Friday, December 31, 2010

2010 Year in Review

    We come to the end of another year. I ask the question, what has this last year been like? Well, it has not been the most productive one I have every had.
    I began the year excited, thrilled even. I had a finished my first novel and I started to look around for an agent. The first rejection letter meant nothing, it was just someone losing out on the next big thing in Fantasy Fiction. A few weeks past and three more letters of rejection. My thought of having a successful book out before Christmas was dying, yet I still knew deep down in my soul that the right agent (the one who liked it) was about to read my masterpiece. A couple of months went by and I received seven more letters, all with the false sympathies of the first four.

Dear Caleb,
 
Thank you so much for querying us with your project. Unfortunately, we did not feel it was the right fit for our agency at this time. Thanks again for thinking of The Knight Agency and we wish you nothing but the best in your writing career.


    But I still refused to be brought down by short sighted individuals. Or companies as the case could be. So I went on sending my outline, bio, and first couple of chapters of my book.
    Summer arrived and so did 12 more rejection letters. It was at this point that I knew that I was not getting an agent. For the next few months I was seriously depressed. I didn't send any more feelers out, nor did I do any more writing. I just moped around like a high school kid with his first broken heart.
    It was completely possible for me to stay in this state for the rest of my life. Luckily, I have one hell of a friend by the name of Maggie Locke Sengele, and she told me via text message, “Well you can get off your ass and stop being a little Bitch.” 
    It is just what I needed to hear, I shall be eternally grateful to her for telling me that.
    So I went about changing my ways. First was my diet, I changed to heather food and less soda. Then I went to the gym, started walking an hour a day. Lastly, I sign up to start school next year. With that I hope to become a better writer. Also hopefully I might end up with a job more in the field I want.
    So while 2010 was a HUGE disappointment, 2011 looks to be on the fast track to something better.  

The Car Sped Off... (1st half)

The car sped off… Sean looked on telling himself there was nothing he could have done to stop it.  Is that really what you are going to keep telling yourself? The voice that always argued with him was the one of his brother Brandon.  You know as well as I do that you could have done a lot more to stop this.   Sean had no idea why he always question himself with his brother but it had been that way for years and he didn’t know how to stop it.
He told himself again that he had done all that he could have to stop it from happening.  He told himself that it was out of control, that no one really has any control over their lives.  Is that so, Sean? Shall we review?

I was 12 years old when we moved again.  It was the fifth time in his life he remembered moving.  Every year or two the family got up and changed towns.  His father told him it for was new and better opportunities.  New chances to meet friends and learn new things.  After losing all the friends he has made Sean was starting to think that his father was full of crap.
Their new house was larger then the last one.  Tan brick with a dark red roof and a large front yard.  In the front yard was a large tree that branched out in what looked like a thousand different directions.  Sean was always afraid of heights for as long as he could remember.  But he felt that he could make it up to the top of this tree.
Sean took a look around to make sure that no one was watching.  He leapt to the lowest branch on the tree, pulling himself up.  The next branch over looked less sturdy, but it was the only branch with in distance.  He grabbed it and pulled himself up.  The branch bent a little under his weight, so he quickly grabbed the branch above it. The branch above was a little more tricky.  It was just beyond his reach.  He stretched for it and his foot slipped.  Sean grabbed onto the trunk of the tree to steady himself.  Suddenly Sean was scared beyond belief.  He looked up to the top of the tree.  There was just a few more branches to make it to the top.  All he had to do was jump a little ways and it would be a breeze to make it there. Fear overwhelmed him, to the point of being paralyzed.
“Help!” Sean screamed.
“What is that Sean? Why do you need help?” A voice called up to him.  Sean managed to turn his head just a little so to see below him.  That small act felt like that it took all the strength he had.
Below him he saw a boy a couple of years older than he was.  Brown hair and eyes, he had a look much like Sean, although much more athletic.  In the boys eyes was a glint of a bully taunting a fly he had caught.  It was Sean’s brother Brandon.
“Help me Brandon, I can’t get down.” Sean told him.
“Get down? From what I can tell you have not gotten to the top yet.” Brandon replied.
“I’m too scared. Please, help me Brandon.” Sean screeched.
“You are going to hate yourself if you don’t make it all the way up.” Brandon’s voice sounded very amused.
“Please Brandon, please, please, please…” sounding on the verge of hysteria Brandon decided to have mercy on him.
“Okay then, sit down on the branch you are standing on.” Brandon told him.  Sean sat down carefully.  “Now swing you leg over and slide down to the next branch.  All right, now drop to the branch below that.”
That branch was the less sturdy branch.  When Sean hit that branch it broke under his weight.  He fell just a few feet but it felt like an eternity.

The car kept pulling away… Sean didn’t know what dession he wanted to make.  Chase or ignore.  Chase.  Ignore.  Those two words repeated over and over, like a broken recored.
The other thing in his head was Brandon’s voice.  So are you going to do this again?  His voice had an accussing tone to it.  Are you going to start something and not finish it?  I broke my ankle following out of that tree.  Why would I put myself in that position again?  Don’t you ever think it would be worth it, if you had made it up that tree?  And what would that have accomplished?  It would have accomplished being accomplished.  I swear every time you are close to doing something you back out because you get scared.  That is not true!
All I wanted was for the voice to stop talking to me.  The tree wasn’t the only time.

I was a sophmore in high school playing football.  My brother was a senior.  We were working out after school.  Football season had been over with for a month.  Both of them were on the bench press.  No one else was in the gym at 7:30 at night, most leaving about 4:00 or 5:00.  The weight room was old, probably built in the 70’s.  It had a ratty carpet that must have been the original.  As expected it had the smell of really old sweat.
“Push, push, push…” my brother yelled out at me while I was finishing a bench press rep.  He helped me set the bar on the rack.
“Holy shit!” I exclaimed.
“Come on Sean you can finish another set.” Brandon told him.
“Damn it, Brandon I’m tired. We’ve done enough for today.” I got up and started getting my bag together.  It was a black bag with my favorite football team logo on it.  It held my clothes I wore to school, but I decided to wait tell I got home to change out of my workout clothes.
“Sean, we still have an hour before we have to leave.  Let’s get in a full day.” Brandon told me.
“I don’t want to.” I told him flatly.
“Sean, you got to be ready for next year.” he said.  His eyes pleading with me.  But I was sick and tired of trying to live up to his standard.
“That’s right Brandon, I need to get ready for next year not you.  I will decided when I am done.  What do you even care?  It is not like you are going to be on the field next year.” I told him.  My voice was getting heated.
“But you are and I don’t want you to embarrass yourself out there.  Jesus Sean, can’t you see that I am trying to help you!”
“I THINK YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO HELP YOURSELF!” I screamed.
“Is that what you think?” Brandon said in a whisper. “Fine, Fine… Go home, but I’m staying here to finish the workout.”
“Good, stay here.  I cannot stand talking to you anyways.” I told him.  Then I rushed out of the gym.
I heard him say something under his breath while I was walking out. “Don’t say no one ever tried to help you.”

The brake lights come on…  The car stopped at a red light just a few blocks away.  Sean’s still stared, he hadn’t yet made up his mine.  What happened the next year in football? Brandon asked him in his head.
I quit! Sean answered back.
You moved at the end of your senior year.  We didn’t talk much after that day.  Sean said with regret filling his heart.
Not until after you graduated.  Then you quit on me again.
“NO! That wasn’t my fault.” Sean said out loud even though there wasn‘t anyone around.
You could have stopped it.  So it might as well have been your fault.
Sean didn’t want to remember, but those feelings took him back anyway.

Thursday, December 30, 2010

Green Fields


Feel the cool wind blow, across the grass of green
Feel the sun shine down, lighting the ground
See the horses run my love, across the field so green
See the people laugh my love, enjoying every sound

Will you ride with me my love, across the grass of green
Will you be with me my love, when the stars fall from the skies
Do you know time my love, across the field of green
Do you know me my love, the truth wrapped up in lies

Know the time that has passed, across the grass of green
Know that time slips away, taking with it everything
Believe in my me my love, across the field of green
Believe in my love, my love, as time takes everything